There’s a Tiger in Our Woods
”Tiger is a model for how athletes should conduct themselves…. He handles himself with class, and he's articulate. There's no silly talk in public from Tiger.”
That is an excerpt from the eulogy that Roger Federer wrote about his pal Tiger Woods when he was listed as one of the 100 most influential people in world by the Time magazine in April this year.
By which time, even if only a few of the allegations that are pouring out faster than rats out of a sinking ship are true, the laundry list of Wood’s very, very dirty linen must have already included the following:
At least 11 er, “lady friends” (some reports peg that number at 16) including two porn stars, one specializing in kinky-sex.
Regular orgies with members of a female escort service.
Sex in a church car park (but inside a car, we are relieved to note.)
And if Jamie Jungers, the cocktail-waitress-cum-lingerie model for a brand of lingerie called “Trashy” (what else) is to be believed, sex with her in Woods’ bedroom while his father lay dying in a hospital. Ms. Jungers also claims that Woods paid for her liposuction procedure.
Naturally, as a public perpetually starved for scandalous bilge, we are delighted.
I know - we should be outraged and shocked, dismissing all of it as largely slander from publicity-crazy gold diggers until we have indisputable proof. (More “sext” messages, maybe?) Well, we’re trying very hard to be but the truth is, we need something to take our minds of the fact that we may be soon buying potatoes in tolas and what better distraction than a juicy concoction of sex, porn queens and voicemail?
(I’m wondering if there would be less snide snickering if there was one less leading-lady-of- Diary of a Horny Housewife and at least one rocket scientist amongst that list
of er, lovelies?)
But besides that, I have two points to make
First, I’m jaw-hanging-down-to- my-navel awe-struck.
And here’s why
Nobody is a saint but Tiger Woods came so close to becoming one.
Child prodigy, greatest golfer in the world, devoted son, perfect husband, adoring father, American hero, Mr. Squeaky-Clean and buddy-buddy with the President of the United States of America to boot. The cover of the January 2010 issue of Golf Digest has Tiger posing with Obama for a story titled “10 Tips that Obama can take from Tiger.”
And if he hadn’t crashed that car, we’d be all nodding our heads and saying who better than Woods to give the Prez tips on how to run America.
Now, we’re thinking - maybe it should have been “10 Tips that Clinton could have taken from Tiger.”
What I mean to say is that from the looks of it, the countryside is lousy with cocktail waitresses and “ladies of the night” of various denominations that Woods was apparently regularly er, “seeing”. And nobody, not even the American paparazzi had a clue? And please don’t give us that crock about Tiger being a private guy (EVEN if he christened his yacht “Privacy”), that golf is a private, elitist sport etc., etc. I mean the man wasn’t er, cavorting with polar bears in the middle of Siberia for crying out loud. (They would’ve been spotted by Sarah Palin, though who, on a clear day, can see into your underwear.)
And Elin, you poor, poor dear. I know they say that the wife’s always the last to know, but surely you must’ve smelt a cocktail waitress?
In other words, how did the man do it?
Which brings me to my second point.
Woods started playing tournaments at the age of 3 and winning them before he was 10. He is the only golfer to become PGA Tour Player of the Year nine times and his record of 14 major golf championship wins is only bettered by Jack Nicklaus. Tiger Woods’ participation in golf tournaments can hike ticket sales by as much as 20 percent and television viewership by a whopping 50 percent. He is also the world’s first billionaire athlete
A star as bright as this blazes but once in a lifetime. So will Wood’s sexual shenanigans, however disgraceful they may be, dim the lights on his spectacular achievements?
I think not.
In a perfect world, the most gifted people in the world would also be the best human beings.
In ours, genius often has nothing to do with being a nice guy (or girl).
So Woods will still be one of the greatest athletes in the world. Even if the Tiger-Woods-Mistress index touches 35.
We’re kinda hoping it will – how else are we going to forget that tuar dal, not diamonds, may soon be a girl’s best friend?