Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bejewelled Studs

(Or Six Reasons Why Men Should Wear Jewellery)
Let me make it very clear.
I’m talking about serious jewellery. Not the odd, namby-pamby cufflink or the neither-here-nor-there tie pin, nor wussy stainless steel or tungsten. I’m talking about rings and earrings and pendants and bracelets and necklaces, maybe even a choker. I’m talking about gold and diamonds; emeralds and sapphires and rubies, perhaps even a sprinkling of pearls. In other words, I’m talking about glittery, shiny stuff that can hold its own in Jacob the Jeweller’s show window.
I know. You’re worried. That you’ll end up looking like Pappu-Pager-meets-Elton-John. Well, you just might. But a chap’s got to start somewhere, doesn’t he? Also, look what they told you about pink and paisleys and lace and mascara and high heels and waxing and moisturisers. And you listened and look where it got you. Are you dating Kareena? Or nudging Johnny Depp off the Sexiest Man Alive list? Or having swarms of hysterical female fans tearing off their panties and throwing them at you?
Don’t answer – I know.
So, without any further ado, here’s Reason Number One.
You see, not so long ago, jewellery was a man thing. And much like the number of wives/concubines/eunuchs in his harem, the amount of jewellery on his person signalled power and wealth and exactly how high up his perch was in the pecking order and how many milch cows there will be in his daughter’s dowry. Naturally, size, as it always has, mattered. So if the diamond on your pinky (not what you are thinking) wasn’t large enough to blind at fifty feet, you just weren’t man enough.

Now, my dear departed maternal grandpappa – who I never knew because he departed when my mum was a little girl - was apparently very partial to his jewellery. And among the many gee-gaws that he favoured was a thick gold chain that he wore not around his neck but around his rather substantial middle.
You’re thinking – as I did – how odd. Actually it wasn’t because this was the era Before Jockey, when the male undergarment of choice was the langoti. (There’s no need to snigger because I’ll have you know that the langoti is the grandpappa and grandmamma of both the thong and the g-string and may have even inspired the jockstrap.) Now by itself, the langoti doesn’t amount to much - just a plain little strip of cloth, mostly of cotton. But what did matter was what held that little strip in place. So, if you were a man of means – as my grandfather obviously was - then nothing less than a gold chain would do!
What I mean to say is – you may be cute as a button and have a butt gorgeous enough to make it snow in the Sahara. But, the fact is, even more than chocolate and shopping, we girls like men with money. So, if you are one, we’re not going to mention the uncanny resemblance to Shrek. Or the rotting-socks breath. And there’s nothing like the sight of a gold langoti string snaking across a fella’s love handles to tell us the size of him um, net worth….

Reason Number Two
Men were meant to wear jewellery as much as ice was meant to melt and armpits to stink. Why else would the word “stud”, meaning “a button-like earring mounted on a slender post, as of gold or steel, for wearing in a pierced earlobe” also mean “a man regarded as notably virile and sexually active”?

Reason Number Three
The next time there’s talk about your family jewels, it won’t be just an anatomical reference.

Reason Number Four
Men with spunk are a big turn-on. Almost as much as men with money
And anyone can be Brady Barr, looking for a 12-foot reticulated python in waist-deep guano inside a bat cave. Or ride 1800 pounds of snorting, twisting, kicking, bucking bull that’s determined trample your brains into the dust. But, if you’re not Bappi Lahiri, then it takes guts to wear pink diamonds. And not have snickering eyebrows raised about your er, metrosexuality.

Reason Number Five
It takes the stress out of putting together a dowry that will knock your socks off.
Think about it. After the 40-inch plasma TV’s in the 7 maids’ loos, the amethyst bathtub with 24-karat gold-plated legs and matching toilet-paper dispenser in yours; after the down payment on the South American private island with self-contained rain forest, the Swarokski-crystal studded dhokla steamer, the 24-carat diamond belly buttons for the 24 Egyptian belly dancers at the mehendi ceremony, the 116-page silver-plated-written-by-Arundhati Roy-‘n-Salman Rushdie invitation card, what’s left for a girl’s pa to buy you?
Unless you are a man who considers diamonds, not dogs as his best friend.
In which case, the first thing you might want to pencil into your must-have-or-I’ll-burn-the-silly-fat-cow list is the latest rage - Elvis-the-Pelvis (what else) langoti strings. A single strand of diamond solitaires ending in a darling little diamond clasp that simply says, “TCB”. Which as Elvis would’ve explained, expands to “Taking Care of Business”. And exactly what langoti strings are meant to do.

And finally, Reason Number Six
There is only that much of a chance that wearing jewellery will make you look Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Michael Jordan, Salman Khan, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey or Jamie Foxx. All gents who’ve routinely sported trinkets and made them look more male than a testosterone-painted Harley Davidson.
As much as it will rain spinach soup tomorrow
But don’t lose hope just as yet...
You’d think that a man on the wrong side of fifty-six (and looks it) who self-destructed his once-glittering acting career and ended up as a bouncer in a transvestite club in Hollywood Boulevard (and looks like it), would stay clear of shiny sharkskin suits. And sequinned scarves. And metallic orange shoes that match hiswaistcoat.
Even if he has just been nominated for every Best Actor award from BAFTA to the Oscars.
And you’d think he wouldn’t turn up on Oscars’ night in a gold tooth, several glittery gold necklaces and a gold pinkie ring that could easily double up as the Rock of Gibraltar.
But Mickey Rourke did.
You know that button we were talking about earlier? Well, Mr. Rourke is cuter than any button Benjamin’s pa ever made. In fact, as far as I am concerned, he’s a great, big, gorgeous stud.
So, move over Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Michael Jordan, Salman Khan, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, Jamie Foxx
And bring on the bling….


Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Brilliant! Funny!
Funny! Brillaint!

Words that come to mind, over and over again whenever I read your work!

And no matter what, bling or no bling, Johnny Deep will alway sbe the man for me!

Anonymous said...

LOL at 'family jewels'. Good post!